Ugh. Life’s a Bitch, Now So Am I.

Sorry dear readers that it’s been so long since I’ve posted.  I’ve been going through a phase where I  just absolutely hate people.  Yes, I fricken hate them.  Have you ever gone through a phase where just about everyone you know turns out to be a self-serving wench?  It’s caused me to completely re-evaluate how I present myself to the world.  The “born yesterday” sign has been removed from my forehead and the gloves have come off.  I’m ready to kick some serious ass.  I’m taking names and I’ve made a shitlist.  I’ve blocked so many people from my Facebook account that my privacy list is reading like a bad-judge-of-character, failed aptitude test.

Truth is the world today just isn’t made for nice people.  You’ve got to be a fighter, every fucking day a fighter.  It makes me think of a Zen saying I’ve posted places at different periods in my life:

Life is a fight.  You must not reveal your defects of character.  Gradually through training and self control you discard them.

Everying in my life in the past 3 years has culminated in a complete 360 turnaround of who I am as woman and as a person.  I’m stronger, I’m wiser.  Like I said, I’m ready to kick some serious ass.

Stay tuned…

Jesse James is Ugly

I can’t help it. I always try not to be mean in my posts. I really do. My pet peeve are people that are too judgemental, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I just can’t with Jesse James.

He’s just an ugly man. 

What the fuck was he thinking with that outfit?!

And I don’t just mean his looks, which really are quite frightening, I mean his soul is ugly.  But let me talk about his looks for a moment.  What the hell is that outfit with the shorts all about?!  He looks worse than a teenage boy.  And he was wearing it in photos where he’s taking his kids to school.  Is that outfit supposed to be cool?!   Yuk.   How embarrassing for his children.   This man is not a man.  He his a child.

Everything about him repels me.  The fact that he’s irresponsible and self-absorbed.  The fact that a woman loved him and trusted him and he betrayed that love and trust.  The fact that he’s just so fricken ugly both inside and out.   

These men, like Jesse James and Tiger Woods, think they are being cool.  Instead, they’re being little boys.  And that is just so unnattractive to me.  Yuk!  Yuk!

Jesse James Interview On Nightline – What?!

Jesse James spoke about his cheating and sex addiction, as well as childhood abuse, on Nightline

Did you catch the Jesse James interview on Nightline last night?   If so, what did you think?

View a clip here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5dscSiJyh8

I’m still reeling from all the footage they showed of smiling, trusting Sandra Bullock at the awards shows thanking him for being so great, and telling him how hot he is.  She must’ve felt like such a fool when that cheating scandal broke.  But, hey, most of us gals have been in her shoes.  Unfortunately, cheating men are at plague proportions in our society right now.  

She made a decision.  She married the bad boy.  I’ve serious grappled with my own bad boy.  Running away from him, running towards him.  It’s been my longest uncommitted relationships, but more about that another time.

Prior to the show, my mother called.  She said she didn’t believe the whole “sex addict” thing.  Joy Behar was saying the same when the scandal broke.  I had to disagree.  I do believe that this is an addiction.  After all, what is an addiction?  It’s an uncontrollable compulsion that ruins your life.  The addict also causes much pain to the people around him who love him. 

And, an addiction is fueled by an underlying mental illness or a complete lack of self-esteem.  These days I’m wondering if cheating is actually how Depression and Anxiety plays out in men.  Women tend to isolate and eat or not eat.  But men.  They cheat.  They get that high from the attention and they escape through the sex.  I also think they get an adrenaline rush from the lying.  It gives them a sense of power.

Therefore, it wasn’t a surprise to hear that Jesse James had an abusive childhood and that he thinks his behavior was his own attempt to sabotage himself.  He admits that he didn’t think Sandra would stay with him and that it was too good to be true.  I believe he’s telling the truth.  Why or whether his intentions in doing the interview are pure is really not relevant.  He did it.  He told his side of the story. 

Does his explanation excuse his behavior?  Of course not.  He was victimized as a child but as an adult he has the free will to make better decisions.  Oprah was victimized as a child, too.  She chose to do something positive with the experience.   James knew right from wrong and a person has to take responsibility for his behavior.    He did take responsibility.  So did Tiger Woods.  Unfortunately, these man can’t take back the pain they’ve caused. 

It’s sad that there are so many men like this out there.  It’s sad for them and it’s sad for the women that are looking to trust.  I think they can be forgiven, but that doesn’t mean I’d want a relationship with them.  And they illustrate a greater need for women to be self-protective and to remember that it takes a long time to really know someone.  It takes a long time of observing behavior in different situations to really know a man’s character. 

It comes back to the pressure that our society places on women to get married and have children.  If you feel that you’re inadequate by being labeled a “spinster” or “barren” then you’ll make bad decisions.  Is that what happened with Sandra Bullock?  It might be.  I mean she did seem to rush into the marriage and baby thing.  She seemed to be pushing to build this perfect-happy-family thing for herself. 

Somehow, that does seem to backfire on a lot of women.

Why Women Really DO Need Brothels

If you could, which one would you choose?

Brothels for women.  A novel idea?  An idea our (American) society is ready for?  I think so.   And I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

The one belief that bothers me above all others, and probably because it true more often that not, is that men compartmentalize their sexual relationships.  I hate this.  But why?  After giving this considerable thought I realized that the reason I hate this so much is because I can’t do the same thing.  I’m incapable of separating my sexual and emotional feelings for a man.  For me, where there is a relationship there is emotion.  So the idea that I could be married to one man, yet go to another for a purely sexual experience is foreign.

But then it ocurred to me recently that perhaps men can do this because they have a long history of paying for sex.  And their experience of paying for sex has made sex a transactional act.  So, they can go to a woman and pay her for sex and have an orgasm and then move on.  Very simple – sort of like buying a six-pack of beer.  You pay the cashier, you get your beer, you consume it, the end.  There’s no relationship with the beer.

Wouldn’t our mindset be different if women could do the same?  For example, say I’m an unattractive, overweight gray-haired woman in my fifties and my husband hasn’t had sex with me for over a year.  What if I could go to a brothel and pay for the most attractive, 25-year old stud to “service” me.  He’d be a mega-hottie.  Think Robert Pattinson face with Taylor Lautner’s New Moon body.  I’d pay him well to just pleasure me and spend time with me.  And his job is solely to make me feel good.  He’s paid well for it and he’s good at it.  Hey, I go away feeling great about myself.  Does it matter that I paid him for it? 

Do you think men walk out of brothels thinking, “Oh, she was only nice to me because I paid her.” No way!  They’re thinking, “I’m a stud!  That was great!  I feel great!”  But, more important, and perhaps the most important thing is this:  They’re thinking they’ve got power.  And they’re right.  Now, that they know that they can pay for affection and sex, they’ll never quite look at another woman the same way. 

Now, are all men like this?  Of course not. 

However, let’s think for a moment about recent news headlines.  John Edwards, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James all ruined their marriages and victimized women because of sex.  And this says something about how their natures.  It reveals how they truly feel about women.  And how they truly feel is that women are there to service their needs.   And why not – there’s a long history of women serving men’s needs.  It almost seems like its the way things are supposed to be. 

Until you really think about it.  It’s absolutely absurd.   You have to really in your mind believe that women are inferior to men to stick to the “men have been doing it for years” argument because men have only been doing it for years because they can.  So why shouldn’t women have the same options?  Of course we should.

The thinking that leads men to victimize women through infidelity and lying is the same thinking that ultimately leads to sexual abuse and violence against women.  And it’s just plain wrong, but, unfortunatly, prevalent.  When women can be viewed through the lens of “serving” men then we are all potential prey.  However, if we can give women the “power” by allowing them to pay for sex, we can change this mindset.  Now women become the aggressors and men the passive purveyors of sexual pleasure.

Radical?  Of course.  But think on it for a while.

It’s Not That Tiger Cheated, It’s The Way He Cheated…

I realize it’s no longer popular to be a feminist. In fact, I think many women, including myself, have shied away from this label for fear of scaring men away. I’m always afraid that if I say I’m a feminist, men will misunderstand and think this means I hate them, I’m militant in my expectations, or I’m prone to bad hygiene.

But this past week, I’ve decided to begin proudly referring to myself as a feminist again. And it’s because of Tiger Woods.

Tiger didn’t cheat with one woman – though that would’ve been bad enough.  He cheated with multiple women over a prolongued period of time.  And he cheated with a certain type of woman.  He cheated with the type of woman that the rest of us are led to believe is the male ideal.  These days this means, plain and simple, women that look like porn stars whether or not they actually are.  And, in Tiger’s case, a few of them were.

Tiger went for a certain kind of woman that lives in the realm of porn, strip bars, and male fantasy.

Most female porn stars look as perfect as it is possible for a woman to look.  They are young – so there’s no cellulite on their near-perfect bodies.  They are amazingly hair-free.  Their hair is long thanks to hair extensions.  There bodies are tan thanks to spray tans and tanning booths.  Their noses are perfect thanks to plastic surgery.  Their boobs are large and perky thanks to more plastic surgery.  They have long, acrylic nails.   They project a fantasy image that, in reality, is almost impossible for the average woman who works, or raises children, to maintain.  Most men can’t even imagine the amount of grooming and maintence it takes to look like this.

I used to be OK with that because it was the realm of fantasy, but now it seems like this fantasy world has crossed over and we see women looking like this in “real” life.  They even anchor the evening news.  I was at an NBA game recently and the team’s dancers looked so much like strippers that their presence made me uncomfortable.   The man in front of me practically killed himself bending over the bleachers trying to take a photo of their cleavage as they exited the arena.  His wife just sat there.

It seems that there is a maddening gap between the real women in men’s lives and the fantasy women that are presented to them everywhere they look.  And, in my opinion, this is destroying relationships and killing intimacy.  And it’s a vicious circle that is leaving male and females alike unhappy and unfulfilled.  We work harder to be more perfect – thinner, prettier, tanner – but it’s not keeping men faithful.  And it’s because now we’ve placed the emphasis on our looks.  We’ve decided to contribute to our own objectification and it’s backfiring….bad.

More Women Remain Single

I love More magazine. I think it’s the best magazine on the market. Recently, they did an article on women who remain single and I thought it was a wonderful article, so I’m linking to it here.

Living La Vida Solo by Susan Dominus

They didn’t set out to be single, and they’re still open to meeting a soul mate. Meet the new generation of women who are on their own and loving their happily never after.

What’s also interesting is an additional Web-only add on about the pyschological health of the never-marrieds.  Here’s an excerpt:

“What I think is the most interesting finding is that never-married people who are more self-sufficient had much higher emotional well-being than similarly equipped married people,” she adds. In other words, self-sufficiency makes single people happier, but, “If you are married, however, it works in the opposite direction. With marriage, interdependency is required; if you’re super self-sufficient it can compromise well-being.”

Why We Need Edward Cullen

Thank you Stephanie Meyer.  Thank you for creating Edward Cullen. In light of Jesse James, Tiger Woods, John Edwards, etc…, woman need to be inspired by a man again.  And you’ve blessedly given us Edward.  And Robert Pattinson has brilliantly brought him to fruition.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen in the Twilight Saga

Yes, I realize Edward isn’t real. But, for right now, that’s OK. It’s OK because real is killing me. Real, like Tiger and Jesse and John is breaking my heart and causing me to believe that there are no good men.

And I don’t want to believe that.  I’m sure you don’t want to believe that either.

Edward Cullen loves Bella to the exclusion of all other women. For him, there is only Bella.  Edward is protective of Bella. Edward puts Bella’s happiness in front of his own. Edward wants to marry Bella and do right by her. Edward is able to control his physical attraction to Bella in order to protect her.

Edward is such a good role model of how a man could act. I want Edward! I don’t want less then Edward. I don’t care if I die an old maid by myself in some shabby apartment with tons of cats. If I can’t have Edward, I’m not getting married! 

I won’t settle for a Tiger, or a John, or a Jesse, or any of the gazillion other scumbags out there right now that manipulate, deceive, lie and hurt. Sure, I might have flings when my sexual needs are pertinent.  But I refuse to fall in love, or give my heart away to anything less than an Edward.

And I don’t care if you think I’m living in fairy-tale land because, guess what?!  I make my own money and I take care of myself just fine and I’m not about to give up my life, or my freedom, or my self respect for some jerk who might humiliate me the way these men in the news have humiliated the woman who made the mistake of loving them.

I want Edward Cullen.

You Can’t Separate A Man from His Behavior

“Men compartmentalize.”

That was a comment on Joy Behar’s show last nite. And, you know what? I’m tired of hearing it.  I’m tired of hearing it because when it’s said it always sounds like the last word, a final exasperated explanation of bad behavior.  It’s as though that short phrase is supposed to just explain all the hurt and pain that men such as Tiger Woods and Jesse James cause. 

Well, I think it’s bullshit and it’s time we stop accepting that, “men compartmentalize.” 

A man who cheats is exhibiting a major character flaw.

First of all, not all men compartmentalize.  Not all men cheat.  Not all men are liars.  Immature, egotistical men who lack self-control cheat, compartmentalize and lie.  This is not to say that a man who cheats can’t also be brilliant in his career because being a liar is not exclusive from being intelligent.  In fact, sometimes it seems (and actually studies have show this to be true) that the more intelligent a man is, the more likely he will cheat.  This makes sense, as there is a certain amount of intelligence required for deception.

But no matter how great the accomplishments of a man in his career (e.g., Bill Clinton), if he cheats on his wife this blemishes his character.  Period.  You can’t be a good man and a cheater.  Yes, people make mistakes.  But, we’re not talking about a mistake.  With Jesse, Tiger, Bill and (a host of other famous men) we’re talking about repetitive, hurtful behavior.   When a man is intelligent and accomplished, it just makes the behavior worse because he knows better.

However, there are people out there that argue that we should compartmentalize when it comes to cheating men.  We should separate the man’s behavior from his career accomplishments.  Hogwash.  I don’t care what the accomplishment is.  If a man cheats that’s a testimony to his character.  You can’t be a great man and a cheater.  In my opinion, a great man can view a woman as multi-dimensional, as a person just like him full of nuances and complexities, strengths and flaws.  A cheater views women as there for pleasure and manipulation.  A man who thinks this way about women has a fundamental flaw.  That fundamental flaw is serious, and I mean SERIOUS, emotional immaturity.

A man who is not able to see  his wife as both a friend and partner and a sex object also has a fatal flaw.  The two are not exlusive.  A woman can be good and kind and a sexy freak in bed. 

And it’s time to ask the question: what are we doing wrong as a society that is resulting in an over-abundance of weak, egotistical men?  Because something has gotta change.

Sandra Bullock and Elin Woods Must’ve Known Something Wasn’t Right

Something is wrong. She's looking adoringly at him but he doesn't look quite as enamored.

I can’t honestly believe that Sandra Bullock and Elin Woods didn’t know their husbands were dishonest. I just don’t believe it.  There is a layer of communication that exists between people on the surface and that includes language.  However, there is another layer of communication that is intuitive and that involves emotion.  The language of emotion is that “gut” feeling that we always talk about.  Both Sandra and Elin had to have a gut feeling that something wasn’t right.

How do I know this?  Well, because I’ve been there.  And I bet you’ve been there too.  I’ve been in a relationship with a man that was a liar and a cheat and I knew that something wasn’t right.  But I chose to ignore it.  I did this because being in a relationship with a handsome man gave me a sense of validation.  It made me OK in the eyes of my peers.  I had a handsome boyfriend.  I must be doing something right, right?

That’s what marriage has come down to for so many women.  I’m not going to say that it is this way for all women because it’s not.  Many women marry at the right time for the right reason to the right man and their lives are fulfilled and enhanced because of this relationship.  But, for far too many women, this just isn’t the case.

When are women going to learn that we can’t get married, or stay married, to save face? Right now, the world awaits the outcomes for Sandra and Elin.  Let’s hope they do the right thing and they set the right example for women everywhere.  It’s not OK to settle.  It’s not OK for a man to be held accountable to a different standard.  Trust, honesty, and friendship are an integral part of a relationship and this has nothing to do with thinking that people need to be perfect, or that we can’t forgive mistakes. 

We all want this type of perfect family. But how much should a woman sacrifice to hold it together?

The manner in which Tiger and Jesse cheated on their wives went beyond a mistake.  They chose a certain type of woman that projected an elusive sexual fantasy that they must’ve felt they couldn’t experience with their wives.  This demonstrates a split in the way they view women.  It means they see women as either good or bad, dirty or clean, sexy or wifey.  This is not OK!  Women are multi-dimensional.  The need to sexually objectify a woman in order to achieve sexual fulfillment demonstrates a ridiculous immaturity and insecurity. 

 These are qualities that no woman should want in a man.

Sandra Bullock’s Mistake, Michelle “Bombshell’s” Triumph

Sandra Bullock and Jesse James at the 2010 Academy Awards

Sandra Bullock must be completely humiliated right now. She was on the awards show circuit thanking her wonderful husband and then the news broke that he’d cheated on her with a tattoo model, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  McGee is a young woman in her twenties who apparently met James through a social media site and arranged to meet him in person.  When they met James apparently gave her the impression that his marriage was over.  I’m not sure I buy that story, but who am I to judge?

Actually, what I’d like to express here is my opinion that Sandra Bullock made a mistake in marrying James in the first place.  She didn’t really need him.  She had her own money and her own life.  I’m not sure what the attraction could’ve been for her.  If it was the whole bad boy thing, then she could’ve kept him as her lover indefinitely and on her own terms.  But, here, I’m assuming that it was a physical attraction for Bullock because I just can’t see how a man like James could’ve provided much emotional support to her.  The fact that he cheated would seem to confirm my assumption because a solid man, who has good values, and inner emotional strength and character would’ve resisted.  Yes, he would’ve.

A man doesn’t have to cheat no matter how provocative, alluring, or attractive the woman presenting herself is.  And, frankly, I’m tired of arguments that make men the victim of their own primitive instincts and women alluring vultures who seduce them.  Guess what?  I also don’t buy the whole Adam and Eve and the apple story either.  There’s just a real masochistic bent in our society that makes women out to be evil because of their sexual allure and then victimizes them as if to punish them for it.  Yes, I’m a proud Feminist.  More women should be.  Too many of us accept the unacceptable. 

Michelle's forehead reads "pray for our sinners"

Michelle, the Bombshell, will make money from all of this and that will send a message to other women – just as the Tiger Wood’s fiasco did – that seduction and amorality are acceptable vocations.  Except these vocations, again, degrade and demean the women who partake in them.  I remember hearing one of Tiger’s women on a radio interview saying that Tiger wouldn’t help her when she lost her apartment and needed some money.  Well, of course not.  In his eyes, she wasn’t a real person.  She was a service – like the cleaning lady, or plumber.  His own immaturity and addiction prevented him from seeing her as a human being.

In this situation, both Bullock and McGee are victims of James’ selfishness and poor impulse control.  But, McGee will actually benefit from the situation.  It’s already been rumored that she received $30K for her story and now she is publishing a website and looking for “bookings.”  If she was deceived by James, who can blame her for making the best out of a bad situation?  If she did the dirty with James knowing that he was still married to Bullock, then she may have planned it as a way to make some money.  Either way, the fact that we live in a society that rewards a woman for an illicit affair is not one that is sending a positive message about how it views women.